A Mother's Day Gift...

Before, anyone reads this, I just have to say, that I wasn't even going to blog about Mother's Day. I didn't last year and wasn't going to this year either...but after what happened tonight, I just had to come home and write it down...for my own memory, but to also brag on God a little...



After Cooper's death, I saw how cruel a holiday like Mother's Day could be to some people. Yes, it's a sweet day to remember and honor our mothers, but what about the mothers who have buried their children? What about the women who want nothing more to be a mother but can't get pregnant or carry a child? What about the young women (and old for that matter) who have buried their mothers?

It's just another day that I have to seriously work hard at making a choice. Yes, it will always be a painful day for me. ALWAYS, because Cooper won't be here. But in reality, so is every other day. Even during the great and happy times, there will always be that piece of me that aches for him. So this Mother's Day I made the choice to try and have a good day. I spent it with my sweet man, precious baby girl, and my great parents. We had a good day together that even involved soaking my feet on AB's splash mat while eating a Popsicle.



Late this evening, Devin, AB, and I, went out to the cemetery, like we often do, and always on holidays. Our life has certainly settled into a different kind of normal. We go about our everyday routines and live life like everyone else. 30 months ago, if you'd told me that we would ever smile, laugh or be some kind of "normal" again, I couldn't have believed you. Devin and I shared a few sweet minutes together at the cemetery and when we got back in the truck, I just lost it and cried. In our new normal, it's become routine, to be "okay." It's now "normal" to pass by the pictures of Cooper in our house and not cry. To walk in his room and not have to lay my head on his bed to try desperately to smell him. We've become used to that ache in our hearts, that is always there, even when a smile is on our face. But it's hard to maintain that kind of normal when it's Mother's Day and you've just visited the cemetery where there's a gravestone with your son's name on it.



Times like those are much fewer and far between than I ever thought they would be, but they still come. We just miss our boy. Satan uses those kinds of times to his advantage and in a matter of minutes I had convinced myself that my life was awful and pitiful and never going to be okay. I felt like an abnormal wreck of a wife, mom and person. All of those thoughts just kept swirling in my head and I did what I always do if I leave the cemetery feeling like that, and I asked DW if we could stop and get me an ice cream cone. He gave me the uh-oh look and said he'd left his wallet at home. Then in true Prince-Charming-that-he-is fashion, he dug out some quarters from his center console and said "of course"...



As he ordered our cones (we scrounged up enough change for each of us to get one), I got myself together and felt a peace come over me. Not because of the ice cream, but because I have a God who is greater than anything... including death. A God who's strength is made perfect in my weakness, which is something I experience firsthand every day of my life. Without it, I know I would never get out of bed. I know how real He is. I know how BIG He is and how He is in every tiny thing in my life as well as every giant thing. Yes, what happened to Cooper is awful. The fact that any parent would loose their child is the worst thing imaginable. But that doesn't mean that the rest of our life is going to be awful, too. Bittersweet, yes. But even in bittersweet, there is still sweet. And as far as feeling like an abnormal wreck of a person...well, aren't we all? It's through Jesus that we have any kind of goodness about us. I am thankful for that. So thankful for His grace.



As that peaceful feeling washed over me, I kind of giggled under my breath at Devin paying in coins, then telling the cashier, that "we really needed some ice cream" as she rolled her eyes and asked if he needed a receipt. I don't think she thought it was funny. I turned my head so she wouldn't see me laugh and as I looked out the window, I saw a woman with two red-headed girls dressed in Disney princess pajamas walking across the parking lot and told DW to look at those cute girls. As they got closer, I couldn't believe my eyes. "Oh my gosh, honey! I think that's Janie!" I jumped out of the truck and yelled, "Janie?!?!?!" and before I think she could even realize who I was I had already hugged her! Ha... Janie is a blog-friend, and I can't remember if she stumbled across my blog or I stumbled across hers first, but after realizing that we both had children in Heaven, we learned that we had even more than that in common! She grew up in Florida, not far from where we live, and we even know some of the same people. She lives in South Georgia, now, close to where DW's Mom lives! She had been down visiting her family and they were headed back to Georgia.



I was so excited to get to meet her in person and give her a hug! Her girls are even more precious in person (if that's possible) than they are in the pictures on her blog. They were so sweet and polite when their momma introduced them to me and then they wanted to meet Annabelle. They were so cute, and just hopped right up in the truck beside AB and started playing with her and talking to DW. So precious....



Tonight was just a sweet Mother's Day gift from God. A sweet reminder that I am not alone. I know I am never alone because He is always with me, but there are times when I need the reassurance that I'm not alone in some earthly flesh. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone. I am thankful for the precious women in my life who are mothers who've walked a similar valley as mine. I've been blessed to get to know lots of women (many through blogs) who have lost children and I feel a special bond with them. They are on my heart many times and I pray for them often. I know they do the same for me. I find such encouragement in them and from them and I am thankful God put them in my life. Only He could have orchestrated a meeting like mine and Janie's. Only He could have worked out every little detail to make sure that we'd both be stopping at the McDonald's in the town where I live (and Janie was just passing through). The fact that it was after 8:00 p.m. also just proves what a God-thing it was. I love it. I just love it.


I'm also so thankful for my own Momma. Here's a pic of us today...




~amw~