Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Mother's Day Gift...

Before, anyone reads this, I just have to say, that I wasn't even going to blog about Mother's Day. I didn't last year and wasn't going to this year either...but after what happened tonight, I just had to come home and write it down...for my own memory, but to also brag on God a little...



After Cooper's death, I saw how cruel a holiday like Mother's Day could be to some people. Yes, it's a sweet day to remember and honor our mothers, but what about the mothers who have buried their children? What about the women who want nothing more to be a mother but can't get pregnant or carry a child? What about the young women (and old for that matter) who have buried their mothers?

It's just another day that I have to seriously work hard at making a choice. Yes, it will always be a painful day for me. ALWAYS, because Cooper won't be here. But in reality, so is every other day. Even during the great and happy times, there will always be that piece of me that aches for him. So this Mother's Day I made the choice to try and have a good day. I spent it with my sweet man, precious baby girl, and my great parents. We had a good day together that even involved soaking my feet on AB's splash mat while eating a Popsicle.



Late this evening, Devin, AB, and I, went out to the cemetery, like we often do, and always on holidays. Our life has certainly settled into a different kind of normal. We go about our everyday routines and live life like everyone else. 30 months ago, if you'd told me that we would ever smile, laugh or be some kind of "normal" again, I couldn't have believed you. Devin and I shared a few sweet minutes together at the cemetery and when we got back in the truck, I just lost it and cried. In our new normal, it's become routine, to be "okay." It's now "normal" to pass by the pictures of Cooper in our house and not cry. To walk in his room and not have to lay my head on his bed to try desperately to smell him. We've become used to that ache in our hearts, that is always there, even when a smile is on our face. But it's hard to maintain that kind of normal when it's Mother's Day and you've just visited the cemetery where there's a gravestone with your son's name on it.



Times like those are much fewer and far between than I ever thought they would be, but they still come. We just miss our boy. Satan uses those kinds of times to his advantage and in a matter of minutes I had convinced myself that my life was awful and pitiful and never going to be okay. I felt like an abnormal wreck of a wife, mom and person. All of those thoughts just kept swirling in my head and I did what I always do if I leave the cemetery feeling like that, and I asked DW if we could stop and get me an ice cream cone. He gave me the uh-oh look and said he'd left his wallet at home. Then in true Prince-Charming-that-he-is fashion, he dug out some quarters from his center console and said "of course"...



As he ordered our cones (we scrounged up enough change for each of us to get one), I got myself together and felt a peace come over me. Not because of the ice cream, but because I have a God who is greater than anything... including death. A God who's strength is made perfect in my weakness, which is something I experience firsthand every day of my life. Without it, I know I would never get out of bed. I know how real He is. I know how BIG He is and how He is in every tiny thing in my life as well as every giant thing. Yes, what happened to Cooper is awful. The fact that any parent would loose their child is the worst thing imaginable. But that doesn't mean that the rest of our life is going to be awful, too. Bittersweet, yes. But even in bittersweet, there is still sweet. And as far as feeling like an abnormal wreck of a person...well, aren't we all? It's through Jesus that we have any kind of goodness about us. I am thankful for that. So thankful for His grace.



As that peaceful feeling washed over me, I kind of giggled under my breath at Devin paying in coins, then telling the cashier, that "we really needed some ice cream" as she rolled her eyes and asked if he needed a receipt. I don't think she thought it was funny. I turned my head so she wouldn't see me laugh and as I looked out the window, I saw a woman with two red-headed girls dressed in Disney princess pajamas walking across the parking lot and told DW to look at those cute girls. As they got closer, I couldn't believe my eyes. "Oh my gosh, honey! I think that's Janie!" I jumped out of the truck and yelled, "Janie?!?!?!" and before I think she could even realize who I was I had already hugged her! Ha... Janie is a blog-friend, and I can't remember if she stumbled across my blog or I stumbled across hers first, but after realizing that we both had children in Heaven, we learned that we had even more than that in common! She grew up in Florida, not far from where we live, and we even know some of the same people. She lives in South Georgia, now, close to where DW's Mom lives! She had been down visiting her family and they were headed back to Georgia.



I was so excited to get to meet her in person and give her a hug! Her girls are even more precious in person (if that's possible) than they are in the pictures on her blog. They were so sweet and polite when their momma introduced them to me and then they wanted to meet Annabelle. They were so cute, and just hopped right up in the truck beside AB and started playing with her and talking to DW. So precious....



Tonight was just a sweet Mother's Day gift from God. A sweet reminder that I am not alone. I know I am never alone because He is always with me, but there are times when I need the reassurance that I'm not alone in some earthly flesh. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone. I am thankful for the precious women in my life who are mothers who've walked a similar valley as mine. I've been blessed to get to know lots of women (many through blogs) who have lost children and I feel a special bond with them. They are on my heart many times and I pray for them often. I know they do the same for me. I find such encouragement in them and from them and I am thankful God put them in my life. Only He could have orchestrated a meeting like mine and Janie's. Only He could have worked out every little detail to make sure that we'd both be stopping at the McDonald's in the town where I live (and Janie was just passing through). The fact that it was after 8:00 p.m. also just proves what a God-thing it was. I love it. I just love it.


I'm also so thankful for my own Momma. Here's a pic of us today...




~amw~

14 comments:

Sherrie said...

From one Cooper's mom to another I am sending you big hugs Annie! May God bless you and keep you strong when Satan tries to creep in and bring you down. I really wish I could give you a big hug in person. I am thinking of you and praying for you tonight. Thanks for having the courage to share your feelings.

Abby said...

Happy Mother's Day, sweet girl. Your post was touching :)

Katie said...

Wow, He is so, so, so good to us. I just love you! You are prayed over and loved more than you know!

Jana said...

Your post brought me to tears. It's so funny how the Lord works sometimes. We're never forgotten, that's for sure!

Lyndsay said...

Oh Annie, you are such a testimony to God's love and I am always in awe of you and Devin. I love you so much and will ALWAYS pray for you!

LeAnna said...

I just love reading stories of God's goodness like this. He knows the secret chambers of our hearts, and what we need the most at certain times. He's an intimate God, and that in itself is amazing. So glad you shared.

Carrie said...

Oh, Annie. I love you so much and pray for you constantly! Claim running in to Janie, that was such a gift from God. How awesome that you got to meet her in person on Mother's Day.

Mallory said...

Said a prayer for you today. God sure is good and knows when he's needed and shows us proof he is all around. I'm glad you had a pretty good day. With that sweet AB's smile, each day is a blessing.

Janie said...

Your post couldn't have been more on target! I love you! Thank you for sharing your heart with us because in so many ways its exactly what us Angel's Mommas are feeling!
When I got in the car I told Cory that God orchestrated our meeting...there is NO other reasoning for it! I had had a rough go of it at church. I know all the people around thought I was a fool but who cares! I NEEDED to see you on Mother's Day just as much as you NEEDED to see me. There is just something about having another Momma know what your heart feels.
I literally prayed for you all the way home. I am just so thankful for our AMAZING Father and how much HE LOVES YOU AND ME!
We'll keep praying for each other as we go through out our "normal" lives, knowing that there is nothing "normal" about it but by God's Grace we're not alone.
Can't wait for our next visit...maybe somewhere else than McD's parking lot haha!!!

Rebecca said...

Oh, sweet friend...I echo in your beautiful words. There is truly nothing normal anymore but somehow it seems normal to us...at times. It's never normal to see your baby's name in stone...especially on the day honoring that he made you a Mommy in the first place! Your Cooper has touched my heart through you this morning...once again.
Praising GOD for being in the details of our lives...knowing exactly what we need and when we need it...and for precious friends like you.
Love to you~ Rebecca

Charon Benton said...

Don't that just make you wanna shout "In Jesus' Name"!!!!! Claim that blessing girlfriend!! And now, I need a pause for some tears! What a sweet, heartfelt post! Thank you for sharing--it touched me today and I SO needed to hear some words like that today! Yesterday was rough for me, as you know--and I KNOW it must have been rough on you too!!! Love you!

Aunt B said...

Lately Psalms 139 has echoed in my mind and more importantly in my heart. God loves us and He knows everything about us and just when you need a little something more than ice cream out pops a blessing.

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it.
Malachi 3:10
God keeps blessing you Annie because you keep Praising HIM. I am continually blessed by you. Thank you sharing your heart and testimony with us. I LOVE YOU.

Stephanie said...

Happy Mother's Day! What an Amazing GOD moment! Just know that I love you and DW, AB and you are ALWAYS in our thoughts and prayers! You are a TRUE depiction of a strong Godly woman!

Anonymous said...

Annie,
Your post brought tears to my eyes and faith to my heart. Even though I never got to meet the child I lost my heart still aches for her on the day that would have been her birthday. ItIt is always a bittersweet mother days when I think I would have had two sweet babies to share it with. I am more than blessed by the little man God chose to bless me with. Thank you for letting me see that life is worth living. Your post always bring faith to my heart.
Pamela