He would have been seven.
I am guessing we would be having a Spiderman party this year and be getting ready for the 2nd grade. I have no doubt that he would be the most handsome seven year old boy that ever walked the face of this earth.
The would be/should be’s are always the worst. I try not to let my mind go there often, but on certain days and certain occasions it’s hard not to. Today is one of them.
It’s hard to not wonder what life would be like. How different things would be. How different WE would be. As much as I’d like to think we haven’t changed, we have. Losing a child does that to you.
We were in the car yesterday when I was telling Annabelle that today was Cooper’s birthday. I had to catch my breath when she looked at me in the rear view mirror and said, “Is he gonna come home, Momma?” Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I reminded her that Cooper lives in Heaven with Jesus. In her precious little three year old mind, birthdays mean parties and cake and presents. They aren’t meant to be spent sending balloons off toward Heaven from the cemetery. For a minute I wanted to cry myself silly- I thought about how UNFAIR this life is. I don’t want to have these conversations with my daughter. She’s THREE, she shouldn’t already know that heartache and loss this big exist. I shouldn’t be planning how we’re going to celebrate our son’s birthday at the cemetery. He should be in the car riding beside his sisters, pulling their hair and doing all the things that big brothers do to little sisters. We were headed home and Annabelle was right, he should be at home with us. But this is what we have. As the years pass, it has gotten easier to accept. It never hurts any less, we’ve just learned how to deal better with it. But there are still times when I could lose my mind. Yesterday, in that moment, was one of them.
In the next minute, though, I felt a complete peace come over me and the Lord reminded me that Cooper WAS Home.
Shortly after our conversation, Laura Story’s “Blessings” came on the radio. I love the lyrics to that song:
- ‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
- What if Your healing comes through tears?
- And what if a thousand sleepless nights
- Are what it takes to know You’re near?
- What if my greatest disappointments
- Or the aching of this life
- Is the revealing of a greater thirst
- This world can’t satisfy
- And what if the trails of this life
- The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
- Are Your mercies in disguise?
God is merciful and He is good. No matter what this life deals us, we are blessed beyond measure by a Savior Whose mercy and love is enough. That has for certain given us a thirst for so much more than this world can satisfy.
Not a minute goes by that we don’t think of, miss and love our Cooper. He was pure joy and we are thankful for the lifetime of memories we made in our twenty seven months with him.
We know we will all be together again one day- and when we are,